The Neurotic Parent

Elizabeth Lauten, who resigned today after reprimanding Sasha and Malia Obama on Facebook, has used her LinkedIn profile to share her standardized test scores from the year 2000. The former GOP communications director, who attended East Carolina University, claims to have scored a perfect 36 on the ACT and 1580 out of 1600 on the SAT. ECU reports its current average ACT score as 21-24, and its combined English and Math SAT as 1035 out of 1600, with an averages of 1000 out of 1600 in the year Lauten applied.

The website askamanager.org lists SAT/ACT scores as the number one item that doesn’t “belong on your LinkedIn profile.” Lauten also lists 13 Greek and Latin courses she took in college.

 

November is the optimal time of year for college angst. Parents of first year college students have queries about their kids who are either not communicating at all (boys) or texting/skyping 25+ times a day about the untidy habits of their roommates (girls).  Parents of high school juniors are debating when to begin testing and whether it’s better to get a B- in an honors class or an A- in a non-honors class. And, it goes without saying that parents of high school seniors are certified basket cases.

So it comes as no surprise that the Neurotic Parent has been bombarded with questions:

FROM PARENTS OF FIRST-YEAR COLLEGE STUDENTS (they’re not called freshman anymore, too sexist):

Q: I had a fight with a member of the staff of Bed, Bath and Beyond in West LA. Will they take it out on me and put aside the wrong items for my daughter in the Somerville, MA store?

A: Worse than that. They will send part of your daughter’s order to two different stores in Boston, 45 minutes away.  (true story)

Q: Our son is off to a well-known hipster school. But as hard as we’ve tried, we cannot interest him in indie music or marijuana. Will he fit in?

A: Good question. Have you thought about packing a giant bong to use as a pencil holder? Special order at BB&B.

Q: My daughter has changed my level of friendship on Facebook. I am now just a “limited friend,” which means I can no longer see photos in which she’s been tagged.  But she has awarded “full friend status” to our housekeeper, Imelda. It’s not fair!

A: This has become such a common issue, that the Neurotic Parent has started a new service. For a small fee, I will get my housekeeper to friend Imelda and report back.

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FROM PARENTS OF HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS:

Q: Why is everyone suddenly interested in Chapman University?

A: Haven’t you heard?  As of 2013, Chapman has become the new USC. And Irvine has become the new Venice.

Q: My son is a legacy at (name of Ivy) and has almost all his ducks lined up. He has a GPA of 4.6. He has a letter of recommendation from Elon Musk. And he has participated in a marathon while blindfolded, so he could empathize with his sightless companions. The only piece of the equation that is missing is his SAT critical reading score, and he has already taken the exam three times. Should he take the ACT? And if so, can you recommend a good tutor?

A: No way! I am saving the good tutor for MY lawyer’s son (who is doing a blindfolded triathlon).

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FROM PARENTS OF A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR:

Q: We just found out that my daughter will have a better chance of getting into a top school if she goes to a giant, gang-ridden public high school. But we have already coughed up $240,000 for private school.  Can we get our money back?

A: I feel your pain. For a small fee, the Neurotic Parent can now arrange for a gnarly gang to threaten students at your idyllic, rarefied private school. That should provide enough adversity for a tearjerker essay.  (And if that fails, a sudden-onset shellfish allergy might do the trick.)

 

It’s late September, and that means college application panic time for high school seniors.

At this point, you’ve already nailed the ACT on the seventh try and received a glowing letter of recommendation from the genome lab where you interned last summer.

All that’s left is that darn essay, arguably the only place on the whole application where you can let your “you” shine through… even if that “you” is conjured up by a college counselor.

No pressure here, but you should know that college admissions reps read thousands of these awkward teen musings. Your job is to make yours stand out — without being so good that it’s obvious you got professional help.

If you’re planning on writing the essay yourself rather than hiring David Sedaris to do it for you, here is a handy list of five topics NOT to write about:

➢ The illness of a pet

➢ The death of a pet

➢ My grueling internship at Prada in Milano

➢ I went to (fill in name of developing country) and learned that everyone there is just the same as the people in my hometown of Greenwich, Connecticut

➢ “Soccer is a metaphor for life’s more difficult lessons. Our team, faced with adversity, only triumphed when all the players realized that the whole is more than the sum of its parts.”

Ah, but you say that a grown-up is assisting you? In that case, here are five ‘Boomer/Gen Y’ topics/words to stay away from:

➢ Surviving a ponzi scheme

➢ How quinoa helped cure my acid reflux

➢ How a chemical peel Groupon changed my life

➢ How our contractor ripped my family off installing our outdoor firepit

➢ The words “aforementioned” and “heretofore” — in fact, we advise thinking twice about using any compound word other than “snowman.”

Now it’s time to get to work. There’s no point in procrastinating or being nervous just because this is far and away the most important piece of fluff you’ll ever write.