Ten Trends in College Admissions

Overheard on various college tours:

1. “We had to find an independent college counselor because ours has never heard of Gallatin and thought that Amherst is test optional.”

2. “We know a family that sought out a SAT tutor who was also a tennis pro, so their son could practice vocab while on the court ($1000 a session).”

3. Hottest safety: Northeastern – Their co-op program ensures you’ll actually get a cool job. Only problem is that it’s not a safety anymore.

4. Hottest new career aspiration: “My older child is working for a fully-funded start-up, but I don’t really understand what they do.”

5. Top new admissions theory: “This will be the easiest year for full-pay kids.”

6. Crescendo-ing neurosis: “Darn…My child doesn’t have a chance of getting a job with a liberal arts degree and she wants to study Classics at Princeton.”  (But poetry awards while still in high school are acceptable, especially if the poetry is about Quantum Physics.)

7. Hottest after-hours locale for touring west coast high schoolers: Bushwick

8. Hottest new extracurricular, the ultimate for resume padding: TedXYouth

9. “I think my daughter is the only one in her senior class who is not blogging for the Huffington Post.””My son is the only junior we know whose chorus has not performed in Latvia.”

10. “I interview for Brown; I feel bad about myself because my own resume at age 52 is nothing compared to the resumes of the kids I evaluate.”

So, parents, if we haven’t given Ted Talks or performed in Latvia by the time we’re 50, it’s time to admit we’re failures. Instead we can now listen to the wisdom of our nation’s 17-year olds, who of course, are sharing their expertise for the good of the world, not so they can get into college.

The Anti-Vax Rat

The sun shone outside but I couldn’t play
‘Cause I had a high fever that beautiful day
I sat there with Sally, in anguish, we two.
And I said, “This disease is much worse than the flu.”
There were sores on my tongue, in my ears, in my eyes
And a rash on my body – ginormous in size
(All ‘cause our parents were not very wise.)
So we sat in the house – Bet you heard our loud cries.

And all we could feel was that Itch! Itch! Itch! Itch!
We sat and we sat, thinking, ‘Life is a bitch!’

And then something went BOOM!
That BOOM filled the room! 
We looked! Then we saw him step onto the mat!
We looked! And we saw him! The Anti-Vax Rat!
And he said, “Those are measles – just thank ME for that”

“I see that you’re ill and your noses are runny -
But Big Pharma, at least, has not taken your money.”

“I know some good lies we can spread,” said the rat.
“Lies about science,” said the Anti-Vax Rat.
“Lies from the web: I will tell them to you.
Your mother believes them, and your father does too.”
Then Sally and I did not know what to say:
Our mother’s a rich, gluten-free CPA.
Then our fish said, “No! No! Make that rat go away!”

“Tell that Anti-Vax Rat he’s a paranoid quack.
He should not be here. He deserves a big smack.
He should shut up for good and never come back!”
“Now, now! Have no fear. Have no fear!” said the rat.
“My lies sound like facts,” said the Anti-Vax Rat.
Then he cleared his throat, gave his back a big pat:

“Vaccinations have toxins that makes you autistic.
If you get them, you’ll be a horrific statistic.”
“Get real,” said the fish, “Doctors say you are wrong!
Vaccines are just awesome – they make your life long.”

Said the rat: “And those measles, they aren’t so bad
So what if they killed your great-uncle’s dad –
Only poor people suffer, the ones in Chiang Mai.
You guys eat organic, so you will not die.”

“That’s untrue” said the fish, “Listen up. Just hold on -
The measles, once banished, are no longer gone
Even Mickey and Minnie can get them today.
Thanks to Anti-Vax crap, they did not go away.”

“Now please go home,” said the fish to the rat,
Soon YOU’LL have the measles – I hope you like that!
So put on a mask and start your quarantine -
You’re sure to get sick though you juice and eat green!

“And you know what’s insane? You know what’s absurd?
You anti-vax rats once relied on the herd:
You hated the shots but adored the protection,
(And chose fear over facts ’bout a proven injection),
Now our compromised friends face a true living hell:
Maybe POLIO next and then SMALLPOX as well.”

The rat said, “That is that,” as he left in the fog,
And then he went home to whine on his blog.

 Soon our parents came in and they said to us two,
“How do you feel? Tell us. What did you do?”
And Sally and I did not know what to say:
Should we ask them just why they thought it was okay
To ignore basic science in this modern day –
Mercury-phobic (although they eat sole),
They made us both ill – was that really their goal?

“But hey, Mom and Dad, know what you can do?
You are immune and we want to be too -
WE want those vaccines that didn’t harm YOU!”

 —

 

 

 

 

9 Holiday Gifts to Get Your Kids, Instead of Paying Tuition

In the spirit of the holiday, how about getting your kids something more special than yet another pair of ear buds? Instead of plunking down $240,000 on a college degree that will probably lead to a position as a Cleanse Consultant at Cold-Pressed Juicery, here is a list of gift ideas that will truly bring joy and financial security to your high school seniors:

1. Seven BMWs: One every five years for the next 35 years.

2. A “starter” co-op in Brooklyn. Yes, it’s on the first floor and faces a wall. But your kid will get to live in Bushwick, a “burgeoning” neighborhood. And at 432 square feet it’s larger than most dorm rooms.

3. A trip around the world in a private jet: A tad indulgent, but just think about the networking options with fellow passengers, all retired CFOs. And because the tour is only $108k, you’ll have enough left over for a paid internship at the Weinstein company (yes, you can pick this up as a charity auction item online).

4. Two Birkin bags: Use them in health, then sell on ebay.

5. 3000 shares of Uber (exact amount to be adjusted when it goes public): If you invested $1,000 in Amazon at the IPO, it would now be worth $239,045, a much more impressive ROI than most college educations.

6. A 3-D Printer : A decent one, the kind you can use to make a burger or an extra kidney.

7. A marijuana farm in Humboldt county.

8. A VIP event hosted by your daughter or son at Coachella, with plant-based catering and the chance to mingle with Skrillex. Other guests will include Brazilian models, Elon Musk, Evan Spiegal and a bevy of angel investors, ready to incubate your kids’ ideas.

9. Airfare to Sweden, where a great college education is free. You will need to provide your child with a good immigration attorney and a high-quality seasonal disorder lamp, but he or she will end up with a degree, a talent for making meatballs, plus more than $200,000 in the bank.

Prayer for Early Decision

Today is D-day for many top schools. Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer to be recited while opening emails, logging on to online portals, or dealing with with envelopes announcing Early Decision news. It is also effective for Early Action (EA) and Single Choice Early Action (SCEA) decisions.

The prayer was designed for laptop, desktop and mobile device users, but also works for Georgetown’s old-fashioned snail mail. It may be recited aloud at home or silently in the subway, on the squash court, or while working with orphans in Ethiopia:

As I confront the most life-changing email/online portal/envelope I will ever encounter, I beseech the Almighty Early One to look over me and protect me from posting something braggy or smug or nasty on Facebook. If accepted, grant me the strength to immediately compose a gushing thank you note and send it along with an Amazon gift card to my history teacher, who exaggerated my brilliance in her recommendation and made me sound like a freaking genius for winning a debate about GMOs. If deferred, give me the focus to complete the 26 other apps, with supplements I haven’t yet downloaded. And, O Early One, if denied, consider giving me a White Lie Waiver, allowing me to tell people “I decided at the last minute to apply Regular, and besides, I want to take a gap year anyway to continue my research with sea turtles.”

Obama Girls’ Cyberbully Claims a Perfect Score on the ACT

Elizabeth Lauten, who resigned today after reprimanding Sasha and Malia Obama on Facebook, has used her LinkedIn profile to share her standardized test scores from the year 2000. The former GOP communications director, who attended East Carolina University, claims to have scored a perfect 36 on the ACT and 1580 out of 1600 on the SAT. ECU reports its current average ACT score as 21-24, and its combined English and Math SAT as 1035 out of 1600, with an averages of 1000 out of 1600 in the year Lauten applied.

The website askamanager.org lists SAT/ACT scores as the number one item that doesn’t “belong on your LinkedIn profile.” Lauten also lists 13 Greek and Latin courses she took in college.