The Neurotic Parent Institute has just learned that the College Board is rethinking the future of the SAT because of the following:
1. NEW SAT IS WORTHLESS
It has been determined that the new exam (which incorporates a writing section and costs twice as the old one) does not predict academic success or have any correlation to college performance. In short, it is useless.
2. UC'S DUMPING SAT'S
In a more serious dis to the College Board, the University of California system, the largest customer of the SAT, wants to abandon the whole exam altogether.
3. ACTs BECOMING THE HOT TEST TO TAKE
Finally, today, the Los Angeles Times printed a front page article about how the SATs are mean and tricky. Instead, many students are turning to the ACTs, which come from the midwest, and are therefore kinder and more straightforward.
In light of the above, the NPI is proud to report that top colleges will soon end standardized testing requirements altogether. Starting with the class of 2014, they will evaluate students by the following six Facebook-related criteria:
1) Quantity of friends. Students with more than 800 friends on Facebook can consider themselves shoo-ins for Wharton.
2) Performance at Word Twist. Word Twist (a timed game in which players unscramble letters to create words) has been found to be twice as accurate as an indicator of both innate intelligence and academic success than the SAT, the ACT and the GPA combined. In a related announcement, Carnegie Mellon and Johns Hopkins have reported that they will also consider applicants' standings in online Texas Hold'em.
3) Quality of Youtube Video Links. For students interested in gaining entry to schools with film, art and music programs, the links they post to videos and music will be judged as valuable indicators of their artistic taste and sensibilities.
4) Appearance. No need to guess what the applicants look like. Most students have dozens of photos posted on their page, and are "tagged" in hundreds of others. The party schools can choose girls who will go wild, and the all work-no play schools can be assured that they will be enrolling actual nerds.
5) Ethnicity. Ditto. You had better not write that you are part Algonquin if you look like Brad Pitt.
6) Social Conscience. Forget the time-consuming clichéd essays. A five-minute perusal of each applicant's Facebook page will clearly demonstrate college applicants' passions. Extra points will be given to students who are membes of groups such as "Help AIDS Orphans", "Stop Japanes Dolphin Massacre" and "Official Project Runway Community".
What happens to those applicants without Facebook pages? They can still opt to hand in their high school grades, but it is unlikely that they will be taken seriously as applicants at mainstream schools.
Those living in the twenty-first century without a Funwall are just not ready for college.
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