Dear Neurotic Parent

We have received many inquiries about our radio silence since the election. It turns out that we were hacked by a highly-rated Russian university interested in gaining insight into how there is little correlation between intelligence and the ability to graduate from a US college and get a job in the government. (You can read more about it on NavianceLeaks.) The hacking issue isn’t resolved yet, so please let me know if you end up on an email blast about investing in the Trans-Siberian Pipeline.

Here are the most pressing questions from readers:

Q: Dear Neurotic Parent, According to my calculations, your sons have both graduated from college. How did it work out? And what about all their friends from the college tours?

A: Thanks for asking! Indeed they did graduate and now both have cool millennial jobs with free lunch in distant cities. One travels to Buenos Aires and Amsterdam and has his phone plan covered by his company. The other hangs out with influencers in the epicenter of the Hipster Republic of America and rides his bike to work. Sadly, that’s all I can tell you. Unlike their more open high school selves, they never approved me posting about their adventures in college or as young adults.

Their friends are all (!) gainfully employed, several in impressive entrepreneurial endeavors. Many work at start-ups, and one actually lives in a start-up, Silicon Valley style. One racked up several million in an IPO. A few are changing the world, a few are in talent agency trainee programs and several are making a nice living in art (!) or design. One went to law school and one to medical school. And two are in PhD programs in philosophy – I will let you know if they find meaning in any of this. There has been no correlation between college major and happiness or job placement; a sociology major works at Microsoft and an art major landed at Google. So, the short answer is go ahead and let your kid study the liberal arts.

Q: Should we pay our child for good grades? In our neck of the woods, the going rate is $50- $100 for As, although we know of one Dad who is taking his son to the Super Bowl for an A in AP Calc.

A: Not a good idea. Even if you think you live in a Banana Republic, there are better ways of incentivizing your slacker. Instead start in Pre-K and put $10,000 in a REIT every time your darling offspring gets an ‘outstanding’ or an A. By the time your child applies to college, you will have enough for a substantial bribe to the university that really needs it for its Immigration Law program.

Q: Help! I found a vape in my son’s room!!! What do I do?

A: A mom on a parents’ forum just posted that she sold a bunch on ebay. True story.

Q: What about screen time? Do I still need to limit it in high school?

A: Good news! If your child wants to work in television, film, video games, techy VR or digital media that hasn’t been invented yet…or the growing political parody industry there is no longer a need to limit screen time. But if he or she wants to track lemurs, you might want to impose certain rules. (However, with few exceptions, the college essay should be about the lemur experience rather than hours/days/months spent playing League of Legends.)

Q: What kind of scholarships are available for swimmers?

A: Good question! For starters, there’s this Zombie Apocalypse Scholarship: https://www.unigo.com/scholarships/our-scholarships/zombie-apocalypse-scholarship But if your swimmer is turned down, you might want to contact our new online BFF, expert swim mom at http://www.collegeswimmingguide.com/


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