Low Tech

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Somebody has finally noticed that I don't have an IT person.  Site renovation in progress, but until then, here are some Qs I just received from a reader, along with my answers:

Q: Could it be only me or does it look as if like some of the responses (on this site) appear like left by brain dead individuals? :-P

A: Worse – I think they're brain-dead robots.  I'm sure it's because I dissed robotics at some point.

Q: And, if you are writing on other online social sites, I'd like to follow everything fresh you have to post. Could you make a list of all of your public sites like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

A: Facebook: The Neurotic Parent

Twitter: neurotic_parent

Huffington Post: J.D. Rothman

Instagram: rothmanjd

Meanwhile, please excuse our dust.

Binge Watching Syndrome

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As students drop their 10:45am classes because they are too early, the parents they left behind are rearranging their schedules as well.  Here are some panicked queries we have received from readers:

Q: I’m finding I suddenly have some time on my hands. What are some good films that have come out in the last 19 years that I might have missed while I was parenting?

A: Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you are a little out of the loop.  Nobody watches films any more. Episodes are the way to go.  The first mandatory assignment is to make sure you’re up to date on House of Cards, Orange is the new Black, the Newsroom and, of course, two seasons of Homeland.  Then you can advance to four seasons of Breaking Bad.  And you might have to pull a month of all-nighters to catch up on seven seasons of Madmen, but it will be worth it to be able to once again converse with your peers about something other than carpool rules.  I suggest avoiding all dinner parties until you’ve completed these prerequisites.

Q: So you’re saying that most parents of new college students are spending all their time screening full seasons of missed t.v. shows?  At a time when they’re supposed to be rekindling their romances and traveling the world?

A: Empty nesters do not need travel or romance. They are just happy to sleep through the night.  When they had teens at home, they were so exhausted from waiting up that they were unable to stay awake through a single episode of an hour-long drama.  Now they have the stamina to screen an entire season at one screening.  Makes them feel young.

Q: What if I become so immersed in t.v. reruns that I become shallow and boring?

A: If you’ve spent the last two decades parenting, it’s a little late for that. Complaining about your kids’ teachers and coaches and angsting about ACT scores has already made most parents insufferably dull and boring.  Just a few hours of binge watching can reverse that condition and, after thirteen episodes, you might even become socially presentable again.

And the best news is that with your kids gone, you might even be able to find the remote.  Good luck with the BWS.

10 Coping Tips for New Empty Nesters

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How to survive the unbearable separation anxiety when the kids leave for college? Many parents, suddenly feeling obsolete and arthritic, move to farms in Oregon, attend yoga retreats in India, become fanatic cyclists, design outdoor living rooms, organize the old shinguard collection, or even foster a teen. Here are some other suggestions in all budget ranges:

1. Cleanse. You no longer will be tempted by the ubiquitous leftover pizza crusts.

2. Invest in a pied-a-terre in a cool college town…which just happens to be the one where your kid goes to school.

3. Adopt a puppy. Name it after your son or daughter. How sweet it will be when Virgil comes home for Thanksgiving and finds a furry little Virgil in the house, one that obeys curfew and is always fast asleep by 9 p.m.?

4. Stalk your children on Instagram. (They all ditched Facebook when it became overpopulated by boomers.) If you don't "like" any of their photos, they'll never know that you're tracking how often they're holding Solo cups.

5. Get rid of those age spots with a laser treatment. No potlucks or carpools, so you can finally hide out while you recover.

6. Revive your relationship by indulging in a couple's ionic foot bath.

7. Because every penny is now going to educate your child, you probably don't have funds for much of the above – or anything else. So find an affordable sport or hobby, taking advantage of all that expensive equipment you bought for the many activities your child quit after several months. Try French horn lessons, skateboarding, lacrosse, or building a robot.

8. Take risks. Become a senior triathlete or set the loftiest goal of them all: Inbox Zero. Start with the 21,589 e-mails in your old AOL account.

9. Continue micro-managing your children. Be available 24/7 to edit essays, book flights, replace lost iPhones, provide laundry instructions, and secure internships that will one day help them be rid of you forever.

10. Remember, you might be in a catatonic state, but they're having the time of their lives. They're joining squirrel clubs, celebrating Nitrogen Day, and running the Naked Mile.