Prayer for the SAT

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Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer for those who wish to
do well on the SAT Exam.  This can be recited aloud in the
car on the way to the exam, or silently between sections.

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On this occasion of my (first, second, third) sitting for the SAT
exams, I beseech the Almighty College Board to look over me and protect
me from mis-bubbling.  Grant me the strength to avoid the Passive
Voice in my essay.  Give me the focus to remember the properties of an
f(x) = ax² +bx + c function, as well as the meaning of paucity.  May
I stay awake through the Critical Reading section, even if I get a
passage about the process of refining rice husks for Tibetan wax
statues.  Bless my #2 pencils and protect their points; let me be
forever grateful that they are not #1s nor #3s.  Save me from realizing
at 4:00 AM on the morning of the test that I have left my TI-83
Calculator in the trunk of a friend’s car.  O College Board, provide me
with the will to resist temptation if my classmates invite me to spend
the night before the exam partying in a hot tub, as came to pass in an
episode of The Gossip Girls. (Kaplan 119:9, 16)

 

Back to School

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They were home for a long, long time.  But they have now returned to campus life, three time zones away.  Some telltale signs that they have left the dwelling:

- Residents of home are awake during the day and asleep at night

- iPhone and Mac chargers remain in their places

- Car radio stays tuned to NPR rather than sports talk or hip hop

- Spotless living room

- Silence

- Depressed dog

- Untouched leftover pizza in fridge

- Small, delicate loads of laundry

- Full night's sleep

- Credit card charge for car booting in different state

 

Green Majors

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Happy New Year to all. I report with stellar news for neurotic parents everywhere: Just in time for 2013, the crapshootiest year for admissions decisions yet, the moms and dads on the website College Confidential have moved on from stressing about where their kids are accepted.

They now have something much more realistic and attainable on their minds: The clever folks at CC have finally distracted parents from the awful college process by instituting an addictive PacMan style popularity contest.

How does it work? If someone "adds reputation" by clicking on your post, you collect points that lead to the accumulation of a row of tiny green squares. And these happy squares are smartly reminiscent of the feel-good scattergram squares that Naviance uses to symbolize college acceptances. Doesn't hurt that they're also ivy colored. 

I must confess that I have joined the race to acquire greenies and have given up my day job, my Words with Friends obsession, hassling GC about summer internships…and even feeding my kids, who are only home for a few more days.

How proud I am of my eleven (out of a possible twelve) verdant squares, some emerald, some jade. Along with the squares comes a powerful validation – Mine at the moment is "much to be proud of."  Others are "a glorious beam of light," "a name known to all," and the ultimate: "a reputation beyond repute."

I have achieved this recognition by posting helpful advice – how to get an internship in the film business, the name of a reliable cab company in the college town I know so well. (I have also defended the field of English to those who want to force their kids to be neurosurgeons…material for a future post.)

But the majority of green rep I received was a result of just falling in with the right crowd.  These influential souls – some the true matriarchs and patriarchs of CC – are concentrating less on random ED decisions and focusing on something they can control – powering each other with points. With each infusion there's a private comment, and also public posts like, "CantConcentrate, I just pushed you up to 3 greenies! Happy New Year!"

If you love the same person twice in a short time period, you get a message that says "You must spread some reputation points around before giving to confettijym any more." If that happens, it is customary to let the would-be recipient know about your intent and the reason for the delay: "Just tried to hit you, psychedmom, but got shot down. Will set the alarm for 3:00 am and try again then!"

One poster, Curmudgeon, theorized that this system was created by someone "young, bold…and on crack." But I think CC is on to a bigtime metaphorical life lesson. How do the movers and shakers of the world aquire and maintain their reputations?  It's all who you know, baby, and who you can help in return. Just find the right buddies, on and offline, and in no time you too can have a reputation beyond repute. Who knows, maybe even the colleges will abandon their dartboard approach and adopt a greener system of admissions.

Neurotic Karma

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In response to many reader queries, The Neurotic Parent Institute is proud to share Early Action and Early Decision results for students and parents who took advantage of our free consultations:

Yale – SCEA

Brown – ED

Duke – ED

WashU – ED

Wharton – ED

Michigan (2) – EA

Northwestern – ED

This represents a diverse group of students from six different schools, both public and private. Two students were deferred, but one of those also got into Michigan and is delighted with that result.

These kids were qualified: The first female president of her school. An intern with SCOTUS. A remarkably talented musical theater kid. The head prefect of his school, plus a baseball star. An autism reasearcher. And a future BME major who worked in a lab where they're actually curing cancer.

The Institute accepted no payment for its services, but there were many lunches, texts and late-night emails.  

The focus of these meetings?

- Love thy safety (makes you more confindent for the apps that count)

-  No retakes for scores above 2250

-  _________(this one's a secret in case we decide to charge next year).

 

The secret to success? Might have to do with the Neurotic Parent's trip to India and returning with many lucky artifacts that worked brilliantly for good college karma. Or it could be that admissions to these top schools are still a total crapshoot.