Remember two days ago when our biggest concern was who got in early where?
Hug your kids.
Is it cool to call or text another parent to find out results? Now that I have two kids in college and am not going through the hysteria myself, will I be perceived as nosy if I send sweet and supportive FB messages to find out what happened?
Waiting for decisions from Wash U, Duke, Michigan, Wharton, Brown – you guys know who you are! I've been there for you…Please don't forget to let me know so I can find you a great waitlist specialist should the unthinkable happens.
Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer to be recited while opening emails, logging on to online portals, or dealing with with snail mail announcing Early Decision news. It will also be effective for Early Action (EA) and Single Choice Early Action (SCEA) decisions.
If you applied to Columbia or Dartmouth, I apologize that this was not posted in time. But chances are you're also waiting to hear from the University of Chicago, and it is not too late to utilize it for that fine school.
The prayer was designed for laptop, desktop and mobile devise users, but also works for Wesleyan and GW's old-fashioned snail mail. It may be recited aloud at home or silently in the subway, on the squash court, or while working with orphans in Ethiopia:
—
As I confront the most lifechanging email/online
portal/envelope I will ever encounter, I beseech the
Almighty Early One to look over me and protect me from posting something
braggy, smug or nasty on Facebook. If accepted, grant me the strength
to immediately compose a gushing thank you note and to send it along
with a Neiman Marcus gift certificate to my History teacher, who
exaggerated my brilliance in her recommendation and made me sound like a
freaking genius for winning a debate about GMOs. If waitlisted,
give me the focus to complete the 26 other apps with supplements I
haven't yet downloaded. And, O Early One, if denied, consider giving me
a White Lie Waiver, allowing me to tell people that "I decided at
the last minute to only apply Regular, and besides, I really want
to take a gap year anyway so I may continue my groundbreaking research with
sea turtles."
The Good:
1. Best place to recover from a cold.
2. CJ has the answer for relatives who ask "What are you doing when you graduate?"
3. All, yes 100%, of GC's friends are thrilled with their college choices, though many say "It's hard."
4. Big guys can help their dad legally dispose of oil used for frying turkey.
5. Happy dog.
6. Chance to perfect my laundry skills.
7. A full season of Modern Family together, cuddling on the sofa.
The Bad:
1. Dad catches the cold.
2. Midnight snacks of stuffing while waiting for them to return home from numerous parties.
3. GC and Mr. NP were somehow sharing a cloud; in a remedy attempt, GC lost 50% of his contacts.
4. NPR in car now set to hip-hop.
5. Tailgating exists here as well.
6. The mess – beyond belief!
7. Five nights fly by….can I go back with them?
College admissions officers are very busy people. The reason? In addition to reviewing applications, meeting with prospective students and parents, reading essays, ensuring that their college have diverse student bodies and singing in admissions videos, they are also snooping on your Facebook page.
Many teens think it’s enough to change their names so they cannot be found, like Emmanem for Emma Newsom or Gott Scoldman for Scott Goldman. The winning name this season is CleverNamePun. But colleges have a knack for tracking down even the most cryptic student pseudonyms.
With this in mind, the Neurotic Parent Institute is proud to offer a new service to help your child look like a desirable candidate:
BEFORE THE FACELIFT:
- You joined the group “Friends of Spark Notes”
- You joined the group “I Don’t Remember Getting this Bruise”
- You are attending the Coachella goth naked after-party
You liked Colorado’s ballot measuresYou updated your status: “Has anyone seen my wallet? I had it before I blacked out in the Uber.”You have 13,684 unanswered SAT Questions of the Day
AFTER THE FACELIFT
- You joined the group Fans of Shostakovich
- You joined the group The Correct Usage of Your and You’re
- You liked Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms
- You’re attending the Habitat for Humanity Weekend Build
- You updated your status, “Fingers crossed for my Siemen’s Nomination”
- You liked Friends of NYC Library
—
So make Facebook work for your child! And ask us about our advanced Instagram package.