Junior Kumon Offers Botox for Preschoolers

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Goodbye bubbles, hello bubbling.  The NYT reported yesterday that there are now almost 40 Junior Kumon centers in New York, where two-year olds can begin prepping for the SAT exams they will take in the year 2027. 

The director of the Battery Park Center acknowledged that spaces in the class are hard to come by, but "…if they’re out of a diaper and can sit still with a Kumon instructor for 15 minutes, we will take them.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/15/fashion/with-kumon-fast-tracking-to-kindergarten.html

As part of this program, we have discovered that Junior Kumon plans to offer preschoolers enrichment in other areas necessary for kindergarten acceptance:

- oboe lessons (most top kindergartens already have their quota of violinists)

- C++ and Python proficiency (with Java offered for those who stay after naptime)

- Calc II flashcards during snack (extra Goldfish crackers for those who master parametric equations)

- dissection of the class bunny (utilizing patented blunt-pointed surgical tools)

- singalongs to Rigoletto and Götterdämmerung

- Botox injections in the dress-up corner (for those unsightly pout lines)

One of the parents quoted in the NYT piece said that her "…children also take swimming, karate, music, art and German classes…but she would not think of giving up Kumon."  These kids do have to quit playing hide and seek, digging in the sandbox and eating Play Doh.  But hey, if you can't figure out the surface area of a prism by the time you're three, you might has well give up your chances of ever getting into MIT.

 

Educational Consultant Scam

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It has come to the attention of the Neurotic Parent Institute that there are specialists who charge $300-$400 an hour to help eighth graders (of the male gender) organize their backpacks.  This is in anticipation of ninth grade, when suddenly everything will "count." 

A word to the wise: Not a prudent investment.  Our rising junior son just came home from a top college, where he is doing reasonably well in a difficult major, and his backpack STILL resembles a trash can.  But at least this year he did not bring home any 3.5" flying roaches.

Low Battery

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This morning, as I was volunteering at a charity event, I noticed that I had received two missed calls from an unfamiliar area code (610).  When I dialed that number, a very polite young man answered and told me that he was with my son CJ at "beach week." He said that CJ's phone was not charged, but that my son had borrowed his phone to wish me a happy mothers day.  He couldn't locate CJ at the moment, but would give him the message that I returned his call.

Not long after, I received notification of another missed call from a different area code, this time one that I recognized (914), a region where several friends of mine reside.  Thinking the call had come from one of those loved ones, I called that number, and again, one of CJ's fraternity brother answered.  He explained that CJ had borrowed his phone to wish me a happy mothers day, and he promised to let my son know that I had phoned.

About two hours later, CJ called, this time from his own number. 

"Mom – Why are you calling all of my friends?" he asked. 

I told him that I was just returning my mystery missed calls.  He said that he had left me voicemails with instructions NOT to bother his friends, even though he had indeed used their phones to wish me a happy mothers day.  I told him that Verizon hadn't yet gotten it together to notify about my voicemails.  And besides, even if they had, if kids don't ever listen to voicemails, why should I? 

Then, because the Lakers were in the middle of an epic loss, I played the part of the sensitive mom, and did not ask why, after months of no communication, he hadn't waited until his phone was charged to get in touch. 

 

Prayer for the SAT’s and Subject Tests

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Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer for those who wish to do well on the SAT Exams today.  This can be recited aloud in the car on the way to the exam, or silently between sections.

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On this occasion of my (first, second, third) sitting for the SAT exams/the SAT Subject Tests, I beseech the Almighty College Board to look over me and protect me from mis-bubbling.  Grant me the strength to avoid the Passive Voice in my essay.  Give me the focus to remember the properties of an f(x) = ax² +bx + c function, as well as the meaning of paucity.  May I stay awake through the Critical Reading section, even if I get a passage about the process of refining rice husks for Tibetan wax statues.  Bless my #2 pencils and protect their points; let me be forever grateful that they are not #1s nor #3s.  Save me from realizing at 4:00 AM on the morning of the test that I have left my TI-83 Calculator in the trunk of a friend’s car.  O College Board, provide me with the will to resist temptation if my classmates invite me to spend the night before the exam partying in a hot tub, as came to pass in an episode of The Gossip Girls. (Kaplan 119:9, 16)