The Neurotic Parent

As far as I know, the above did not really happen.  But I would not be surprised if, as we speak, lawsuits are in the works.

First, a little background.  A few weeks ago, CJ mentioned (in a text) that he had received an "A" on his Italian paper.  Clearly I should have replied "Bravo!" in response.  But even the Neurotic Parent cannot always be clever, so I wrote back "YAY!" in caps.  Moments later, I received the following text from CJ: "Why is that gay?"  Yes, in a dangers-of-artifical-intelligence moment of homophobic insanity, my Blackberry's spellcheck had changed "YAY!" to "GAY!"

Now, a sinister group of techno-nerds are casting their spell(check) to the college admissions level.  Here is happening in Ivy-admissions land (Many thanks to MTER – Mom of two Extraordinary Rowers for this report):

At the Penn information session, the admissions rep mentioned that kids often forget to double check their apps.  In fact, a disturbing trend has emerged (probably thanks to an evil programmer who was denied admission to Penn).  Believe it or not, a rash of applications have referred to the "Wharton School of Business" as the "Wharton School of Bunnies."

CJ has had an emotional growth spurt.  He has declared a major.  His laundry is not scattered all over the floor.  He has a planner.  He knows the bus system.  He has procured silent auction items.  He has invited me to an acapella concert.  He even has a job on campus (okay, it's as a flag football ref, but his earnings will pay for his over-the-top Halloween costume.)  And most importantly, he has friends who are already looking for angel investors for their start-ups.  Maybe it is time to relax.

On the other hand, our younger son GC (Great Conversationalist) has only JUST signed up for the SAT question of the day, 2.5 full months later than most of his friends.  That means they have completed 75 additional practice questions, enough to boost their final scores by at least 50 points.  And as much as I nag GC, he has not yet come close to finding a cure for malaria, and so far has no plans to shoot a documentary about the homeless kids he works with. 

Even worse, the parents in his grade all attended a college coffee while I was dining in farm-to-table restaurants with my sophomore. They undoubtedly picked up some helpful hints that they will not share with me, because who would?  It's now each neurotic parent to him or herself, hogging tutors, finding unusual activities, hiring all sorts of waitlist counselors and interview coaches. 

Yes, It's all starting up again – the tours, the test prep, the critical decisions about honors classes. And it all seems to be happening earlier than last time and already seems more stressful….unless we decided to move to Idaho, or suddenly uncover evidence that my great-grandfather was part Cherokee.

The Neurotic Parent Institute has completed an important study for moms and dads who have not reached full-on helicoptor status, but still cannot keep themselves from hovering.

Recently, in the press we have heard about velcro parents and spider web parents.  But, at a recent book signing, we spotted many other kinds of parents who are overly involved in their kids' lives:

- Safety net parents - lets them fall, but catches them before they go to jail

- Dustbuster parents – no need to rationalize this kind of behavior; necessary to deter bed bugs

- Scrapbook parents – can't let go of all those homemade pencil holders and smelly sneakers.

- BFF parents – shares clothes; dispenses too much infomation about premarital adventures

- Spellcheck parents – "I never read Helen's essays, but I do go over her punctuation."

- Little League Peter Pan dads – they attend every all-star game, even after their kids are in college

- "It Takes a Village" moms – they do double duty in carpool, then gossip about how the other parents are not involved enough.

And…aren't we all:

- ATM parents