Prayer for the SAT

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Here is a powerful, non-denominational prayer for those who wish to do well on the SAT Exams tomorrow.  This can be recited aloud in the car on the way to the exam, or silently between sections.

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On this occasion of my (first, second, third) sitting for the SAT exams, I beseech the Almighty College Board to look over me and protect me from mis-bubbling.  Grant me the strength to avoid the Passive Voice in my essay.  Give me the focus to remember the properties of an f(x) = ax² +bx + c function, as well as the meaning of paucity.  May I stay awake through the Critical Reading section, even if I get a passage about the process of refining rice husks for Tibetan wax statues.  Bless my #2 pencils and protect their points; let me be forever grateful that they are not #1s nor #3s.  Save me from realizing at 4:00 AM on the morning of the test that I have left my TI-83 Calculator in the trunk of a friend’s car.  O College Board, provide me with the will to resist temptation if my classmates invite me to spend the night before the exam partying in a hot tub, as came to pass in a recent episode of The Gossip Girls. (Kaplan 119:9, 16)

Passionistas

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Yesterday, when I picked up my younger son (Good Conversationalist), he had just come from a meeting with his dean. He is starting high school next year and had to select his ninth grade electives. He showed me the catalog of courses and said that for a sport, he wanted to try Cross Country.

I was horrified. He has always been a baseball player. Why was he suddenly thinking of trying something new?

Then he let the other shoe drop. “Mom”, he said, “There is so much I want to try. I might want to stop doing Graphic Arts and take a semester of Photography. Then maybe I’ll do a year of Speech and Debate, and a summer program in Creative Writing.  I’m going to run for Student Council and start a ping pong club. And I want to take music composition, kayak lessons, and maybe even two languages – French and Ancient Greek.”

At that point I was too agitated to drive and had to pull over. How dare he become enthusiastic about so many different pursuits! What kind of kid had we raised?

“Stop right there,” I said, “You cannot study all those things. How would that look to the admissions committees at the colleges where you’re applying four years from now? They want to see that you have just one passion, two at the most. Top candidates choose something they love in third grade and stick with it.”

“But how am I supposed to have a passion now?” he asked. “I’m only fourteen.”

“Most fourteen-year olds bound for selective schools have already won awards in their field of choice,” I explained. “They know it’s a terrible idea to have more than a few interests. So give it up.”

He looked down. “But how am I going to know if I like something if I don’t try it? Can’t I be passionate about learning itself?”

Here it was: my worst parenting nightmare coming true. I shook my head and told myself it was all hormones and he soon would return to baseball.  But in my heart I knew he might be on the road to giving into his temptations. Any day, I imagined, I would be getting a call from the Dean of Students, letting me know that he was experimenting with both Photography and Greek.

This was something that needed to be nipped in the bud.  I dropped him off at his Little League practice, and made a note to look into intervention programs.

Let the Anxiety Begin

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Parents often ask when to become angst-ridden about the college process.  Most experts agree that the right time is the last Wednesday in April of your child’s sophomore year in high school. 

Appropriately, the tenth grade parents in our school are kicking off their two years of panic with an College Coffee this morning.  They will discuss standardized testing, junior-year class selection, early action vs. early decision and, of course, college touring.  As a service, I thought I’d share my checklist of essential resources.  (Check back for ads soon.)

- SAT Tutor – Good ones must be booked by eighth grade.  But good luck finding out who the good ones are (Parents don’t like to share – fear of competition and fee inflation).  Although the super tutors have no qualifications other than being smart kids who performed well on their own SATs, their fees are similar to what you would be charged by a junior partner in a corporate law firm.  $150 – $550 an hour.

- Highlight Reel Producer (for athletes) – Bring this guy a pile of blurry videos and he will edit them to make it look as if your kid has better ball skills than David Beckham.  $2500 for the ones who add "Hey There, You’re an All-star" as the soundtrack, more for those with better musical taste.

- Audition Coach (for actors) – Although we live in Southern California where there are thousands of audition coaches, it is necessary to fly one in from Dallas so your child won’t come off as "too Hollywood".  (I swear, this is true.)  In just three two-hour sessions, this expert middle-American will help your young thespian seem more conservative.  She will provide hair and wardrobe advice, as a well as a recommendation for a Head-Shot Photographer from Oklahoma.  Once the Texan receives her kickback, the Oklahoman will make sure your child will look wholesome in his or her photos.  Fees are very reasonable – $1500 for the Audition Coach; $800 for the Head-shot Photographer (plus airfare), but hire them quickly, before they find out how much everyone else is charging.

- Wait-list Specialist – Arguably the most important resource on this list.  Call her immediately after your senior is deferred.  She will help your bombard each college with heartfelt letters about how that school was your child’s absolute first choice.  $500 per letter.

- Independent College Counselor – Most high schools provide excellent guidance, but many parents like to hire an independent counselor so they won’t have to nag their kids about deadlines or make phone calls to get them internships at cancer research facilities.   Parents who say they "never even glanced at any of Tyler’s eighteen applications" used independent counselors.  Book by ninth grade.  $1500 – $40,000.

- Co-dependent College Counselor – Similar to an independent counselor, but instead of relieving anxiety, creates more.  Fees vary. 

Of course, tenth grade parents, you are in the enviable position of having kids who are not applying to college in the most difficult year in the history of the world.  So enter your child in a robotics competition, then try to relax.  And be grateful that you don’t have an eleventh grader.

Minjok Leadership Academy

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After we abandoned our plan to move to North Dakota, CJ’s chances of getting into college next year were looking grim.  But on Sunday everything changed.  There, on the front page of the New York Times was the answer to CJ’s prayers.  The headline read: "Elite Korean Schools, Forging Ivy League Skills".

The piece was about how going to brand-name American colleges has become a "fad" in South Korea. It was bad enough when CJ only had to compete with smart Americans. Now he has to contend with competition from students who attend the Minjok Leadership Academy near Seoul, where the average SAT score is 2203. 

But there is hope on the horizon.  Minjok accepts international students.  If CJ attended a place like Minjok as a high school senior, he could undo all the poor study habits he has picked up in America during the last 12 years.

At Minjok, the school day lasts 15 hours. There is a ban on teen romance, and tooth-brushing is mandatory before every class.  CJ’s classmates would be students like Kim Sooyeon.  Ms. Kim, whose mother lashed her tongue if she scored lower than 100 on exams (even 98 or 99), is bound for Princeton in the fall. 

CJ has wasted no time in beginning the admissions process.  Here is an email exchange that he had with Lee Won-hee, the founder of Minjok:

Dear Dr. Lee,

I have attached my application for the 2008-9 school year. I am an eleventh grader at an American high school.  Next year will be the most difficult year to get into college in the history of the world, and my parents would like to send me to your boarding school so I will stand a chance of getting in somewhere.  I am a nice kid and speak fluent English, except while watching sporting events, when I mostly grunt.

CJ

Here is the reply CJ received:

Dear CJ,

Thank you for your application to Minjok.  I must say that the admissions committee was quite impressed with your essay about how you ingeniously repaired the Porta-Potty in Nicaragua.  How clever of you to figure out how to jiggle the handle!  We see you as a future global leader and you can expect a decision as soon as we receive your SAT III scores.

Sincerely,

Lee Won-Hee

We are keeping our fingers crossed, but meanwhile, for inspiration, staight from the Minjok website, here is the school "motto":

“Through education based on the deep awareness of the heritage of our people;
Towards tomorrow’s bright Fatherland;
Let us study, not for the sake of personal gain, but for the sake of learning.
Let us not choose a career in thoughts of personal gain,
But choose a career based on our talents and aptitude.
Such is my true fortune and tomorrow’s bright Fatherland."

Isn’t a motto supposed to be just a short phrase? And isn’t it passé to aspire to have a bright Fatherland?  I could get critical, but what do I know about forging Ivy skills.

Guatemalan Latrines

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One of CJ’s friends, Fanatical Planner, has already written a draft of her common app essay.  Yesterday she sent me a copy and asked me for feedback.

FP thought I was qualified to read her essay because I once taught Freshman Composition (as a TA).  That was during the last century, I reminded her, when there were completely different rules about comma usage.  But she insisted that I read her essay, so I did.

It was brilliant.  FP’s voice came through loud and clear.  Her descriptions were vivid and memorable.  By the time I had finished reading, I was almost moved to tears.  I waited a minute, composed myself, then called the poor girl and told her to throw the whole thing out and start over. The reason?  She had chosen to write about the latrine she built during her community service trip to Queztaltenango, Guatemala.

Unfortunately for FP (and her parents, who had spent $6000 for the experience), several of the admissions officers on our tour had singled out Guatemalan latrines as an essay topic to be avoided at all costs.  One university representative said they had received so many Central American latrine stories that he imagined there were now more outhouses than bananas on the isthmus.

So, what is a good subject to write about?  Did some research and discovered a book called "50 Successful Harvard Essays".  A great find because you don’t even have to order the paperback; you can read the first composition for free on the Amazon website.

And the essay is about…get this: fixing a toilet in Costa Rica. The author, who attended a public school in New Jersey, writes candidly that, on the first day of his summer program in San José, he ate some black beans, then made his way into the ladies’ room because he was desperate and couldn’t find the men’s.

“I sat down and did what generally one does after eating a lot of beans.  I finished up (remembering to throw the toilet paper in the wastebasket, as is done in Costa Rica to keep the pipes from clogging) and pulled the gold-plated handle.  Nothing happened. Huh, that’s funny.  Tried again.  Nothing.  Sh*t.”

The author goes on to describe how, thanks to innate plumbing skills he never knew he had, he was eventually able to fix the toilet.  And that essay got him into Harvard.  True, it was not 2008, the most difficult year for college acceptances in the history of the world. But the applicant successfully wrote about sh*t (with an asterisk no less) while thousands of dedicated latrine builders were rejected right and left from lower-tier schools.

What happened?  One theory is that too many people read the Harvard essay book, triggering a flood of theses about baños in developing countries. 

Or maybe merely building a latrine does not make you a compelling applicant, but stopping one up does.