The Neurotic Parent

I recently had lunch with my friend, Compulsive Swimmer (CS). CS is well on the other side of the college admissions process. Two of her children have graduated from college, one from Wash U St. Louis and one from Vanderbilt. And the youngest is a junior at Penn. CS and her husband, Triathelete Physician (TP), are enjoying life and building a gorgeous second home in Wyoming.

Before we even had ordered, I began to pick CS’s brain about colleges. I told her that we had visited Vanderbilt and she began to rave about her daughter’s experience there.

“Vanderbilt,” she said with authority, “is a great mid-sized school in a fun city. Of the three colleges my kids went to, I would have to say it’s my favorite.”

She paused, then revealed why: You can get to Nashville via a non-stop flight on Southwest Airlines.

“On Southwest,” she explained, “you can rebook your flight ten times and they don’t charge you anything. You can use Amex points or easily pay with their own miles.”

I was impressed. But there was even more.

“You can check two bags and you don’t have to pay a fee for excess baggage – In this day and age, all the other airlines allow you to check just one bag.”

She paused. I hoped she would mention something about the academics at Vanderbilt, But all she wanted to discuss was her favorite airline.

“I absolutely would not let my kids go to a school in a city that is not serviced by Southwest,” she said, “Before applying anywhere, you should go to their website and see where they fly. They have three nonstops a day to Nashville. Wash U and Penn are good universities, but there is only one non-stop to St. Louis and to get to Philadelphia, you have to stop or change planes in Vegas.”

Was I crazy to have let CJ look at schools in cities he would have to fly to on other airlines? Clearly CS had let me in on a secret shared by neurotic parents in the know, a whole new reasonable way to select colleges. And I publish it here, with the hope that the marketing people at Southwest are reading this blog and looking for a hot new place to spend their advertising dollars.

Every day, CJ gets mail from colleges.  All sorts of cool brochures appear in our mailbox, along with personalized letters inviting our son to come to a local information session or even a special day on campus for athletes.  CJ has even been getting mail from highly-competitive schools that turn town 85% of their applicants.  But they still want him to apply so they can become even more selective. 

On Friday, a 6"x8" glossy postcard arrived from a fine institution – Indiana University.  The front of the card has a photo of a cool-looking Jason Bateman lookalike, with a five-o’clock shadow and Prada glasses.  It says, in multiple cutting-edge fonts: "CJ, There’s Life after 1040 Franklin Street" (our address). 

Here is the text on the other side of the card:

CJ,

We think you should have an amazing life.  See the world.  Be an Olympian.  Learn new languages.  Write new laws.  Create your masterpiece.  Save the environment.  Discover a cure.  Meet the Dalai Lama.  Start your own business.  Win the Nobel Prize.

Indiana University students get more than just college degrees.  Our brilliant faculty, innovate programs, incredible facilities, and rich resources inspire and nurture new ideas, creative vision and awe-inspiring achievements.

Where will you go from 1040 Franklin Street?   We invite you to start your journey in Bloomington. 

Wow.  I rushed into CJ’s room and found him trying on beanies, because his friend had inadvertantly created a checkerboard pattern on his scalp while trying to give him a buzz cut. 

"Look at this," I said, "This came from a great school that not only thinks you should get a life and move out of here, but will also help you save the environment, meet the Dalai Lama and win the Nobel Prize."

"Don’t I have to win a Nobel Prize before I apply?" he asked.

Not only did the people at Indiana view him as more than "Dear Occupant", I explained, but they also seemed realistic about when kids are supposed to do great things.  There he would not have to start his amazing life until after he has left home.

Q:  What does "SAT" stand for?

A:  It used to stand for Scholastic Achievement Test, but in 1947 the name of the exam was changed to Scholastic Aptitude Test.  Then the folks at the College Board used their Critical Reasoning skills and came to the conclusion that a coachable exam could not be called an "aptitude" test.  So, officially, SAT stands for nothing.  (I am not kidding about this, and the info about the Audition Coach who is helping Southern California kids appear more middle American is also 100% true.)

Q:  What time does Staples close, in case your kid can’t locate his TI-183 calculator the night before the SAT exam?

A:  Luckily, the Staples in our neighborhood closes at 9:00 PM, as we discovered last night.  (CJ, who had "just had" his calculator the day before, volunteered to pay for the new one, which should add up to about a week of his summer wages.) 

Q:  What are some good snacks for the SATs?

A:  A power bar, a peanut butter sandwich and a banana.  I procured all of these, but CJ left the power bar at home, and probably left the sandwich and banana in the car.

Q:  The SATs are only given several times a year.  What should you do if your child is not feeling well?

A:  An excellent question and the perfect challenge for a neurotic parent.  Unfortunately there was nothing in the SAT prayer about good health, so CJ is now tackling the most important test of his life with a sore throat and cough.  We will let you know if Advil and Ricola cough drops improve his performance (willing to plug other over-the-counter meds – still looking for corporate sponsors).