I must disclose that eleven years ago, I was contacted by Amy Chua, who at the time was already panicked about her young daughters' college admissions chances. Although her kids were then only six and three, she was desperate to find a surefire way for them to gain acceptance to the top Ivy League schools. My response to Professor Chua was honest, but a bit unconventional. I never thought she would go for the radical suggestions I gave her, but as a true Tiger Mom, she followed my advice to the letter, and now it looks as though I might have influenced the course of international parenting history. Here is the email exchange between us:
Dear Neurotic Parent,
Perhaps you can help me. Although I am a superior Chinese mother, I just realized that I have made a terrible parenting mistake. I forced my daughters to learn the piano and the violin and they are now virtuosos. However, as you know, the Ivies will be flooded with applications from thousands of other Asian kids who have studied these instruments. Can you help?
Best regards,
Tiger Mom
Hi Tiger Mom,
Yes, I'm afraid you have made a serious mistake. But, no worries. There is still hope! Perhaps you should marry a member of an "underrepresented minority" – an Upper Chinook would be perfect. Then the college admissions committees will probably overlook the fact that your kids have mastered ordinary instruments like the piano and the violin.
Fondly,
The Neurotic Parent
Oops! I'm already married to a Jewish guy, (law professor and novelist). I don't think the the colleges will count him as an "underrepresented" minority. Any other suggestions?
Tiger Mom
neurotic
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Okay….How about this? It's a long shot, but it just might work. What if you became absurdly strict with your daughters, almost borderline abusive? You could forbid playdates and sleepovers, and perhaps even burn their stuffed animals if they don't get straight A's. That would give your girls plenty of material for great college essays, full of lots of conflict. What do you think?
The Neurotic Parent
Amy Chua
to me
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Wow – I may have two degrees from Harvard an endowed chair at Yale Law School, but YOU, Neurotic Parent, are a TRUE genius! I'll start torturing my children right away. I will can them "garbage," threaten to throw the three-year old out in the snow, and maybe even give their dollhouses to Goodwill. That kind of anguished upbringing should produce the most powerful essays ever, guaranteed to tug at the heartstrings of any admissions committee. I could even publish a memoir about my extreme cruelty….I bet I could get a six-figure advance if I market the book as a quasi parenting manual and link my absurd philosophy to my race. Then the girls will be able to use the proceeds from the book to pay for college.
I cannot thank you enough for the brilliant advice, Neurotic Parent. It will a LOT easier to abuse my children than to have them start all over with less-common instruments like the trombone or the oboe. You can bet I will be back in touch when they're applying to law school.
Your #1 Fan,
Tiger Mom
I hope you got a cut of her advance AND royalties Neurotic Parent, you genius you…
Hilarious and pitch-perfect.
Haha you crack me up — I just knew you would have something witty to express about this latest media darling!
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