The Neurotic Parent Institute is in the process of purchasing land in Utah to establish a supportive, restorative environment where parents can recover from the devastation caused by Early Action and Early Decision deferrals and rejections. The mountain-view facility, called Early Visions (because all rehab places seem to contain the word "Visions"), will provide a holistic, healing focus which will include:
- techniques to help you refrain from whining and hyperventilating in front of your kids
- seminars by financial advisors who will assure you that you would have lost all your donation money anyway in today's volatile market, or in a Ponzi scheme.
- daily inspirational councils with successful graduates of schools that kids CAN get into, like Wisconsin and Tulane.
- spiritual voodoo-based ceremonies for burning collegiate sweatshirts, destroying car decals and smashing mugs
Reasonable, introductory rates are available, with discounts for parents of kids who scored over 2250 on the SAT, or any alum whose child has received a rejection after donating an amount greater than $500,000. The first client to sign up has already posted on College Confidential this morning:
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Junior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 64
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DS was rejected from Stanford's SCEA on Friday. He was a very strong contender and we are rethinking and mourning. He's white but also has Hispanic ancestry on DH's side. >2200 SAT, multiple 5 APs, Math II 800 and other subject tests >750. UW GPA around 3.9, weighted around 4.3. Multiple legacy and we have donated a fair amount every single year since S was born. Biggest weakness was less than stellar EC's. His essays were pretty darn good. Not a single applicant from his very competive public high school has been accepted to Stanford in the last two years.
I actually think H is taking it worse than S–when I called to tell H, he went down and ripped the Stanford license plate holder off his car with his bare hands and threw it away (at work, not in front of son!). He then came home early to pack up every piece of Stanford clothing and memorabilia (his and son's, including two of my favorite wine glasses) and put them in a box in the attic.
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Early Visions is filling up rapidly! We have had five new reservations just since I started writing this post – from parents of highly gifted, qualified kids who were just rejected from Penn, Northwestern, WashU, Cornell, and Dartmouth. Hurry and reserve your space before Brown, Yale and Princeton announce their EA and ED results later this week.
Hilarious. I’d like to invest in this new business opportunity!
This is the funniest blog on the internet about college admissions! Can I sign my wife up for this rehab? I don’t think she’ll make it through the next 72 hours.
Witty and right on the money. Your blog points out that we all need to calm down a bit. I laughed out loud reading this post!
I love this!!! When is the book coming out?
Very funny concept! Loved it!
I cringed only slightly because I must confess that ever since my son was not accepted to my own alma mater, a fine public university, I did stop donating after many years of doing so.
What the hell do you expect me to do? I need the money for tuition to his much more expensive private university!
Finally, are you sitting down?
A close buddy’s son was accepted early decision to Columbia. In our crowd, this is truly the holy grail. It’s all about the vibes (as in vibraphone). The kid can really play.
You are simply amazing. Can’t wait to be watching you on all the talk shows!! xx, Nicole
This is interesting, brilliant and how could you ever thought of this? I will surely be on the line for this one, thank you for sharing!
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