The sun shone outside but I couldn’t play
‘Cause I had a high fever that beautiful day
I sat there with Sally, in anguish, we two.
And I said, “This disease is much worse than the flu.”
There were sores on my tongue, in my ears, in my eyes
And a rash on my body – ginormous in size
(All ‘cause our parents were not very wise.)
So we sat in the house – Bet you heard our loud cries.
And all we could feel was that Itch! Itch! Itch! Itch!
We sat and we sat, thinking, ‘Life is a bitch!’
And then something went BOOM!
That BOOM filled the room!
We looked! Then we saw him step onto the mat!
We looked! And we saw him! The Anti-Vax Rat!
And he said, “Those are measles – just thank ME for that”
“I see that you’re ill and your noses are runny -
But Big Pharma, at least, has not taken your money.”
“I know some good lies we can spread,” said the rat.
“Lies about science,” said the Anti-Vax Rat.
“Lies from the web: I will tell them to you.
Your mother believes them, and your father does too.”
Then Sally and I did not know what to say:
Our mother’s a rich, gluten-free CPA.
Then our fish said, “No! No! Make that rat go away!”
“Tell that Anti-Vax Rat he’s a paranoid quack.
He should not be here. He deserves a big smack.
He should shut up for good and never come back!”
“Now, now! Have no fear. Have no fear!” said the rat.
“My lies sound like facts,” said the Anti-Vax Rat.
Then he cleared his throat, gave his back a big pat:
“Vaccinations have toxins that makes you autistic.
If you get them, you’ll be a horrific statistic.”
“Get real,” said the fish, “Doctors say you are wrong!
Vaccines are just awesome – they make your life long.”
Said the rat: “And those measles, they aren’t so bad
So what if they killed your great-uncle’s dad –
Only poor people suffer, the ones in Chiang Mai.
You guys eat organic, so you will not die.”
“That’s untrue” said the fish, “Listen up. Just hold on -
The measles, once banished, are no longer gone
Even Mickey and Minnie can get them today.
Thanks to Anti-Vax crap, they did not go away.”
“Now please go home,” said the fish to the rat,
Soon YOU’LL have the measles – I hope you like that!
So put on a mask and start your quarantine -
You’re sure to get sick though you juice and eat green!
“And you know what’s insane? You know what’s absurd?
You anti-vax rats once relied on the herd:
You hated the shots but adored the protection,
(And chose fear over facts ’bout a proven injection),
Now our compromised friends face a true living hell:
Maybe POLIO next and then SMALLPOX as well.”
The rat said, “That is that,” as he left in the fog,
And then he went home to whine on his blog.
Soon our parents came in and they said to us two,
“How do you feel? Tell us. What did you do?”
And Sally and I did not know what to say:
Should we ask them just why they thought it was okay
To ignore basic science in this modern day –
Mercury-phobic (although they eat sole),
They made us both ill – was that really their goal?
“But hey, Mom and Dad, know what you can do?
You are immune and we want to be too -
WE want those vaccines that didn’t harm YOU!”
This is perhaps your finest hour. Hats off to your brilliance, neurotic one!
Thanks, Lauren. My sequel about polio will be even better.
Dr. Seuss couldn’t have said it any better. Well done!
Dr. Seuss would not like the anti-vax movement, not one little bit!
Love. Total love. I wish the people who needed the message would read this.
Sadly I think most of them are in my neighborhood!
This is great. I can’t believe this is even an issue in 2015. God bless stupidity.
Next, as Andy Borowitz says, they’ll be rejecting electricity and soap.
I bow down.
Thank you, dear AnnaB. Means a lot coming from a great writer like you. Xo
Bravo! Brilliant! My hat’s off and my sleeve’s rolled up!
Keep all the children safe, vacunalos a todos, acontra todo! English and Spanish! Do it in all the languges!
Brilliantly written as usual. Have forwarded it on to many of my “educated” friends who don’t vaccinate.