The Neurotic Parent

In my lifetime, phone technology has gone from party lines to busy signals to long distance operators to area codes to princess phones to calling cards to answering machines to wireless phones to call waiting to voicemail to mobile phones to cells to texting to skype…and the advances are not ending any time soon.  We have produced so many great telephonic ways to stay in touch that barely have time to communicate in person.

All of us know adults with "Crackberry" issues, those rude people who check their chats and peek at sports scores during meetings and in the movies.  But according to a recent Neurotic Parent study, the highest percentage of Blackberry and I-Phone addicts are now college students. 

Statistics reveal that text addictions begin in high school, but escalate the minute one arrives at college.  Back in the day, when your parents drove off, you would celebrate your independence by lighting up a cigarette.  Now, suddenly teens find themselves with nobody around to tell them to stop texting, so they send messages during meals, classes and parties…and some even sleep with their Blackberries so they can BBM during the night 

I observed this out-of-control texting last week when I visited CJ.  His new fraternity brothers were not ROTC-ish as I feared, and some actually looked as if they were on their way to MTV internships.  They were exceedingly polite, good conversationalists and could discuss anything from neurolinguistics to Arizona immigration policies. 

But even the smartest, funniest guys had more than their napkins in their laps.  My son was one of these offenders.  He already had a borderline addiction when he left for college; now he is so dependent on his handheld device that I fear he will not be able to resist as he drives around this summer.

The obvious remedy is to take away his Curve, but since that's the only way CJ communicates with us, that would be like cutting off our thumbs to spite our hands (poor metaphor attempt).

So instead, I have contacted Verizon, our provider, about offering a new Neurotic Parents' College Plan, which I hope will soon be available in our area:

- Limits "Contacts" to those over 45 years old

- Bans "Lost My Phone" messages on Facebook

- No connectivity in restaurants, classrooms, movie theaters or moving vehicles

- Keyboard locks after 2 am, except for texts to home

- Free satellite tracking and password change updates for account holders

So, readers, if you would like to sign up for this limited availability package, just sign the email petition I plan to send around.  And, in the meantime, you can bore your kids with stories about the days when we actually had to memorize phone numbers.

The NP has heard of a very qualified senior who was accepted to Berkeley, NYU, Vassar and WashU, but was waitlisted at _______, where both of her parents attended AND her mom is an interviewer. 

Moral: Apply early or forget about your legacy perks. 

But in the case of this girl, she wasn't ABSOLUTELY positive she wanted to attend _______, so she gambled and it didn't work out. (At least not yet – the waitlist domino action does not officially begin until May 1st.) 

Meanwhile, at the moment I am on my dream spring break trip – at a B&B in a gorgeous mansion a block from CJ's campus (my regular hotel of choice was full). I am pleased to report that my son has survived the pledge process and his new brothers-for-life are actually very impressive dudes who can hold their own in a discussion of current events at dinner, not as "fratty" as I feared. 

Now that I have approved his friends, I can worry about the 3.5" flying cockroach we found in his room, nestled in a pair of boxers on the bottom of a  semester's pile of unwashed clothes.  Luckily, after numerous tropical travels, I am not as neurotic about insects as I am about college admissions.

Mr. NP had to miss this trip.  But he is here is spirit – and since I've trademarked my brand, he has  finally become supportive of this blog.  He even sent some links to share with readers:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/06/hardest-schools-to-get-in_n_526881.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/13/the-highest-paying-colleg_n_535061.html

http://www.tuftsdaily.com/number-of-new-england-schools-in-50-000-tuition-bracket-to-double-1.2220866

The Ivies, in a time-honored tradition, have chosen April Fools Day
to inform students whether they are accepted, or whether they'll
have endure four years of academic mediocrity at somewhere like…UC
Berkeley. 

Yes, what an appropriate date this is to open a double password-protected email and see the following message on the screen:

You had straight A's, got 2360 on your SAT's and built an
orphanage for AIDs orphans?  You expect that to impress us?  Waitlist
for you!

On a brighter note, two of my favorite seniors who had respectively
been deferred and rejected early from Penn and Northwestern, now have
received fat envelopes, one from Duke and the other from Tufts.  And
the Quadruple 800 Genius mentioned in my previous post has been
accepted to Northwestern and awarded the Regents Scholarship at
Berkeley.

From the college road trip front, MUNC (Model UN Champ) and her mom
survived their Pacific Air flight (now more aptly named Georgia Air)
from Emory to Vanderbuilt, and even had the occasion to bond with the
other seven passengers – four of whom were other mom/daughter couples on the college circuit, and one a high school guidance counselor. 

Here is MUNC's mom's report from the road:

We had a great meal at The Float Away Cafe: a very good
restaurant located in an industrial building near Emory that housed a
production company with an extra casting office… We had to change
rooms due to a "power problem,"…I get your tour guide skill of
walking backwards now — only I learned that flip flops don't work.  I
learned that all students who get through their sophomore year are
considered alums, and I learned that Coca Cola has been very good to
Emory.

Curiously, history is repeating himself here.  When Mr. NP visited
Emory with CJ, there was a fire in their hotel, a tour guide crashed
into a trash can while walking backwards.  And he also mentioned that
the entire campus was Pepsi-free.