September is the optimal time of year for college angst. Parents of first year students have queries about their kids who are either not communicating at all (boys) or texting/skyping 25+ times a day about the untidy habits of their roommates (girls). Parents of high school juniors are debating when to begin testing and whether it's better to get a B- in an honors class or an A- in a non-honors class. And it goes without saying that parents of high school seniors are certified basket cases.
So it comes as no surprise that the Neurotic Parent has been bombarded with questions:
FROM PARENTS OF FIRST-YEAR COLLEGE STUDENTS (they're not called freshman anymore, too sexist):
Q: I had a fight with a member of the staff of Bed, Bath and Beyond in West LA. Will they take it out on me and put aside the wrong items for my daughter in the Somerville, MA store?
A: Worse than that. They will send part of your daughter's order to two different stores in Boston, 45 minutes away. (true story)
Q: Our son is off to a well-known hipster school. But as hard as we've tried, we cannot interest him in indie music or marijuana. Will he fit in?
A: Good question. Have you thought about packing a giant bong to use as a pencil holder? Special order at BB&B.
Q: My daughter has changed my level of friendship on Facebook. I am now just a "limited friend," which means I can no longer see photos in which she's been tagged. But she has awarded "full friend status" to our housekeeper, Imelda. It's not fair!
A: This has become such a common issue, that the Neurotic Parent has started a new service. For a small fee, I will get my housekeeper to friend Imelda and report back.
FROM PARENTS OF HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS:
Q: Why is everyone suddenly interested in Chapman University?
A: Haven't you heard? As of 2009, Chapman has become the new USC. And Irvine has become the new Venice.
Q: My son is a legacy at (name of Ivy) and has almost all his ducks lined up. He has a GPA of 4.6. He has a letter of recommendation from Barbara Boxer. And he has participated in a marathon while blindfolded, so he could empathize with his sightless companions. The only piece of the equation that is missing is his SAT critical reading score, and he has already taken the exam three times. Should he take the ACT? And if so, can you recommend a good tutor?
A: No way! I am saving the good tutor for MY son (who is doing a blindfolded triathlon).
FROM PARENTS OF HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR:
Q: We just found out that my daughter will have a better chance of getting into a top school if she goes to a giant, gang-ridden public high school. But we have already coughed up $240,000 for private school. Can we get our money back?
A: I feel your pain. For a small fee, the Neurotic Parent can now arrange for a gnarly gang to threaten students at your idyllic, rarefied private school. That should provide enough adversity for a tearjerker essay. (And if that fails, a sudden-onset shellfish allergy might do the trick.)
Between Imelda and the blindfolded triathalon, I’m in stitches!