College admissions officers are very busy people.  The reason?  In addition to reviewing applications, meeting with prospective students and parents, reading essays, ensuring that their college have diverse student bodies and singing in admissions videos, they are also snooping on your Facebook page.

Many teens think it’s enough to change their names so they cannot be found, like Emmanem for Emma Newsom or Gott Scoldman for Scott Goldman. The winning name this season is CleverNamePun. But colleges have a knack for tracking down even the most cryptic student pseudonyms.

With this in mind, the Neurotic Parent Institute is proud to offer a new service to help your child look like a desirable candidate:

BEFORE THE FACELIFT:

• You joined the group “Friends of Spark Notes”
• You joined the group “I Don’t Remember Getting this Bruise”
• You are attending the Coachella goth naked after-party

You liked Colorado’s ballot measuresYou updated your status: “Has anyone seen my wallet? I had it before I blacked out in the Uber.”You have 13,684 unanswered SAT Questions of the Day

AFTER THE FACELIFT

• You joined the group Fans of Shostakovich
• You joined the group The Correct Usage of Your and You’re
• You liked Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms
• You’re attending the Habitat for Humanity Weekend Build
• You updated your status, “Fingers crossed for my Siemen’s Nomination”
• You liked Friends of NYC Library

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So make Facebook work for your child! And ask us about our advanced Instagram package.