Mr. Neurotic Parent, the only unemotional father in the senior class, has asked me to revise today's post because he thought it was too melancholy. Will fix it and repost later today.
Mid-May Questions for the Neurotic Parent:
Q: What are some trends you have noticed about this year's acceptances?
A: Trend 1: Those whose kids were not admitted to the Ivies often described the outcome as "My child didn't get in anywhere."
Trend 2: Less annoying and more poignant - Those who were admitted to top schools often ended up choosing "lesser" schools because of better financial aid or merit scholarships. So far, we have heard of students who chose Oberlin over Columbia, San Francisco State over Oberlin, USC over Brown, and Berkeley over Stanford.
Q: Wait list action?
A: Today, at 12:15pm ET, somebody on College Confidential reported that a student at his or her school received a call from Harvard. That will officially start the domino effect.
Q: We understand that you are working diligently on a review of your book tour. Can you give us a preview? Is it true that Pleasanton, CA is more neurotic than Westport, CT?
A: Pleasanton and Westport have a lot in common - both scenic, competitive suburbs with stunning libraries. But Pleasanton wins in the stress department: all the kids in town all seemed to live in the library. No joke – dozens and dozens were still there doing homework at 7pm when my event started.
Q: How are you coping with all the end-of-school events leading up to your empty life as an empty nester…all the Thank You Coffees and Lunches, Senior Speak, Senior Dog Day, Senior Parent Night, Senior Show, the End of the Era cocktail party, the Lifers Assembly, the final Parent Association Thank You Breakfast, the last Fundraiser…and, of course, Graduation?
A: The worst part about all of the above is Mr. NP's reaction – other than worrying about money, he is not even slightly affected by this epic transition. One friend recently blogged that she was "grateful to have (her husband) to share all the bittersweet tears we are shedding at the thought of this stage in our lives ending. We both started to cry watching a Subaru commercial. It's that bad…" Hmm…the only thing that could make Mr. NP cry is that he will be forced to spend money in the reactionary state of North Carolina.
Q: What about CJ? What is #trending for college juniors? That would have to be paid internships – even more of a parenting badge than college offers. Here on the west coast, students have traditionally been elated to procure $17 an hour positions at WME, Disney, Universal and, of course, MTV. But CJ's friends are in a whole other category: Many are headed to Deloitte, Morgan Stanley and other I-Banks (truth be told: before CJ went to college, he had never even heard of an I-Bank). One or two are going to CAA, but to the New York offices. But the Ivy League of internships would have to be Microsoft and Google…and CJ has fraternity brothers spending the summer at both. Luckily, he managed to snag a prestigious position as well, because bragging about where your kid goes to college is so 2011.
Q: At what age did you wean your children?
A: CJ at 18 months and GC at 12 months – shortly before I began to think about the college application process.
Thinking of suing a college that didn't accept you? Take a number. This could be the hottest trend since the Semester at Sea in Somalia. While in a shop yesterday (returning an outfit I had deemed unworthy for the book tour), I overheard two customers discussing a CNN story about how a girl was taking legal action against Harvard for race discrimination.
But when I googled the incident, I discovered that "lawsuit" was actually a complaint filed by an Indian-American (as opposed to American Indian – those guys are cool with their admissions decisions) against the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights, targeting both Princeton and Harvard. The complaint, which alleges “discrimination against Asian-Americans on the basis of race/national origin," suggests that those of Asian decent need higher scores to be admitted to top schools than students of other racial groups. I did, however, discover a similar lawsuit filed against UT-Austin that is actually making its way to the Supreme Court.
And, according to recent research project conducted by the Neurotic Parent Institute, thousands of other parents would like to fight their own kids' rejections in the Supreme Court. We are compiling the many gripes about the system that came up again and again on the NP book tour and will post the results soon.
While parents work the waitlists, high school seniors all over the country are agonizing about where to send in their deposits. Students dutifully go on tours at Admitted Student events in hopes of achieving the clarity they need to make lifechanging decisions. But instead of checking out the seminars taught by Nobel winners or evaluating the neuroscience research opportunities, they tend to focus on the prep/goth/nerd quotient or whether you can use your meal points to order a thin crust marguerita pizza.
Here are some of the ridiculous reasons that kids dismiss some excellent colleges:
1. Dislike of archways
2. No Chipotle within walking distance
3. “I don’t know anyone there.”
4. “I know too many people there.”
5. Aversion to tour guides’ footwear (five-toed multiport sneakers) or headwear (Sherpa cap)
6. Tour guide too smug (“In my spare time I’m a midwife, and since returning from Uganda, I’ve started an NGO that installs solar panels in orphanages.”)
7. Annoying bell tower
8. Too many Harry Potter references during info session
9. Not enough/too many vegan options in dining hall
10. Aversion to architecture: too Georgian, too Gothic, too Taco Bell
11. Too many mentions of how Oceanography course changed tour guide’s life
12. Tour guide’s resemblance to Justin Bieber
13. Too many homeless people
14. Professors look like homeless people
15. Aversion to upstate NY (“Upstate NY is for camp, not college”)
16. Tour guide’s repeated mention of a cappella groups and/or squirrel clubs
17. Rain
18. Woodland creatures: deer, raccoons, skunks
19. Aversion to school colors
20. Townies reminiscent of characters in Deliverance, Big Love or Jersey Shore
21. Mean parking attendant
22. Long line for the ellipticals at the gym
23. Lame Latin words in school motto
24. Emma Watson transferred out
25. School is parents’ first choice
Last week was our final twelfth grade parent coffee. Over quiche and muffins, more than thirty of us giggled about how we were once concerned about our kids hanging out on the Third Street Promenade, a neighborhood outdoor shopping mall with unsavory offerings like Pottery Barn, Old Navy and J. Crew. You would think the kids were visiting a real Banana Republic, the way we used to worry.
We discussed prom (including last year's unfortunate "Promit" bus experience), graduation, grad night, summer plans, and then the conversation turned to the inevitable. Someone suggested that we go around the room and each share where our children intend to matriculate.
The list of schools was so impressive that you would never know that this was the Most Difficult Year to Get into College in the History of the World – Princeton, Yale, Berkeley, B.U., WashU, Michigan, Indiana, NYU, Barnard, GW, Tulane, WashU and more. At least 25% were still deciding: Middlebury or Wesleyan? Columbia or Duke? Tufts or Johns Hopkins or NYU? Lewis & Clark or Bard? Bennington or Berkeley? One harried mom said her daughter had applied to 21 schools and was now choosing between ten.
There was much discussion about the pros and cons of the life-changing decisions, even offers from certain parents to help kids get off waitlists. But there was one course of action that was crystal clear: If a child had a choice of attending an admitted students weekend (even one that offered a free plane ticket), or the three-day/two-weekend desert music festival Coachella, there was no choice. In every case, Coachella was the obvious winner.
The Neurotic Parent Institute has seized upon this opportunity to help the undecided. We have contacted the festival sponsors, and next weekend, Coachella attendees will be awarded access to a Collchella Tent (next to the Red Bull concession, accessible on Sunday shortly before midnight, in between the performances of Pulp and Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg). Deciding seniors will be issued wristbands representing the colors of the schools they are considering, and will be able to chat with other festival goers who can provide real information about campus opportunities about what teens are really looking for in a school: insufferably loud beats, video games, hook-ups, illegal substances and mosh pits.