The Neurotic Parent

Nothing seemed to work this year at certain colleges, even wealth, legacy status or perfect scores.  The phone has been ringing, and this is what people are saying:

1. "The college counselor told my son's friend that he shouldn't even apply to Stanford, and he got in. But nobody else did from his school, including the son of a big angel investor guy."

2. "Harvard was a big diss because she's not only a legacy, but someone who could absolutely do the work."

3. "He had off the chart scores and grades, and found out that he was 1/16 Mohegan, just in time to put it on his application.  Got into Johns Hopkins, but waitlisted everywhere else."

4. "He never did anything interesting for summers, ever.  But he got into Yale and a full scholarship at Annenberg."

5. "This is a kid who had 800s on everything, a debate champion and fourth or fifth generation at Princeton, he wasn't even waitlisted."

6. "In a four-hour period last Thursday she was shut out by four Ivies, as well as Williams and Tufts."

7. "I hope she likes Vassar well enough to stay on the wait list."

8. "He had over 790 on four SAT IIs, but was waitlisted at Harvard, Brown, Williams and Georgetown (which was her safety)."

9. "From our daughter's school, you need to play golf or water polo to get into Stanford."

10. "She was rejected, not even waitlisted, although she's written for TED and had a letter of recommendation from Arianna Huffington."

Depressing, right?  Maybe not.  According to top independent college counselor Kat Cohen, "While the admissions data can be intimidating, there is no need for students to panic. There are 3,700 colleges in the US, and more than 80 percent accept over half of their applicants. So while Harvard's 5.9 percent acceptance rate might seem discouraging, rest assured that there are literally hundreds of excellent schools you may never have heard of, which offer great opportunities to reach your academic and personal goals." 

Wise words, Kat.  But somehow I cannot imagine Harvard hopefuls ever reaching their personal goals – and those of their parents – at schools they have never heard of.

Congrats to GC's friends on their recent acceptances to GW, Wisconsin, Michigan, Swarthmore, Colgate, UCSB, UCSD, McGill, NYU, BU, Bard, U of Miami, Pitzer, Columbia, WashU, Julliard and Deep Springs (plus the EAs/EDs at Stanford, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Tulane, Bard, Lewis & Clark, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Dartmouth, Cornell, Grinnell, Wesleyan, WashU, GW, BU and NYU). 

SAT Word of the Day: RESCIND.  Seniors, Please hold off on the slacking!

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On to the next generation of neurotics:

If you have a high school junior, you're probably ready to hit the road on an iconic bonding trip with your disengaged teen.  Here are ten surefire tips to help organize a journey that will turn off your student to higher learning and destroy your relationship forever:

1. TRAVEL DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF APRIL

Although one would expect glorious, or at least pleasant, weather during this early spring week, there will most likely be an ice storm in Ithaca, a blizzard in Bloomington, gale force winds in Providence and torrential flooding in Seattle.

2. BEGIN YOUR TOUR AT A COLLEGE THAT IS 400 MILES FROM THE NEAREST MAJOR AIRPORT

Start at Middlebury College in Vermont.  Because this excellent school lies off the grid, there is no easy way to get there, and your Garmin will spend the whole trip "recalculating."  By the time you arrive, your family members will not be talking to each other. 

3. IGNORE CHECK-OUT TIMES AT LOCAL HOTELS

Beware: Many sweet, charming inns are owned by their sweet, charming neighboring colleges.  If you don't show up at noon for check-out, you will receive a nasty text on your cell…which will be forwarded to the admissions office.

4. ARRANGE FOR YOUR STUDENT TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN A DORM WITH A "REAL" STUDENT

This sounds like a good idea, but will surely backfire.  If the college sets up the visit, the host will be so chipper and clean cut that your teen won't even want to apply.  But if your child stays with a friend, especially on a Wednesday (which is the new Thursday) and has too good a time with a borrowed fake ID, you won't be very motivated to write a check for $200k.

5. SIGN UP FOR AN 8:00AM INFO SESSION

Beware of undercover admissions officers who track yawning, squirming and snoozing.

6. ASK OBNOXIOUS QUESTIONS THAT WILL MORTIFY YOUR CHILDREN

Example: "Theoretically, if a student has taken every AP offered by his school, and has patented a non-surgical method to remove bunions, will you waive your four-year language requirement?"

7.  CHOOSE A TOUR GUIDE WHO HAS DISCOVERED A GALAXY

The smugger the tour guide, the less interested your teen will be in the school.  Other turn-offs: studded headbands, pink polos with popped collars, black nail polish, Sherpa caps, Uggs on males, preppy ponytails and persperation issues. Also overuse of any of the following terms: civic-minded, power of ideas, neuro-globalization and intellectual cross-training.

8. HAVE YOUR STUDENT CONTACT A PROFESSOR ABOUT SITTING IN ON A CLASS

If the class is fascinating, your teen will want to attend the school, but will probably not be able to get in.  And if it is dull, your child will be turned off to college, and will instead sign up to work on an organic farm. 

9. BRAG TO OTHER PARENTS ABOUT YOUR STUDENT'S VALEDICTORIAN STATUS

Sadly, colleges are equally braggy about the large quantity of vals they turn down.

10. BOOK NONCHANGEABLE FLIGHTS

After touring three universities, your son or daughter will have had enough.  He or she will want you to skip the next twelve schools on your itinerary and hop on a plane to the Turks & Caicos for a proper spring break….but unfortunately, you booked those seven nonrefundable flights! 

Here is a private tweet that I just received from a follower:

Q: I have ordered your book, but frankly, with all the stress involved preparing my junior for applying for colleges, I doubt if I will have the time to read it.  Is there any way you can provide a timeline of what I should do when?

A: If your child is a junior in high school, you are a tad late to begin preparing. But just in case you want to agonize about all the missed opportunities, here is a brief summary of what to do when:

ONE MONTH BEFORE BIRTH — Travel to Dhaka, so your baby will qualify for Bangladeshi citizenship.

BIRTH — Send APGAR scores to the colleges you will be considering in 17 years.

EIGHT MONTHS – Hire a college counselor and invest in the Platinum Package. The first challenge will be to get you on wait lists for the most selective preschools in your area.

2.3 YEARS — Begin Junior Kumon.

3.8 YEARS — If you discover that your preschooler is singing “Wheels on the Bus” rather than discussing Quantum Physics, consider suing the school.

4.5 YEARS — Start contributing to a 529, which will be worthless when your child goes to college, but will give you something to complain about at dinner parties. Or get a job with salary increases of 6 percent a year so you can keep up with the cost of tuition.

6 YEARS — If your child shows a proclivity for something “normal” like piano, soccer or dance, find a good therapist. He or she will need an interest like bioinformatics to be competitive during the college process.

12.8 YEARS — Now is the time to reserve tutors for the PSAT, SAT, ACT, GREs, MCAT and LSAT. Prepare yourself for the reality that, even with a GPA of 5.8 and an SAT of 2370, your child will most likely be deferred, rejected or wait-listed.

NINTH GRADE – Quit your job! The college search and application process will take all of your time and energy from now on.

TENTH GRADE – Move to Oklahoma. That will not only decrease your mortgage, but also make it a lot easier to gain admission to selective colleges. Once there, have your child organize a fundraiser for the Chicasaw Nation. Then, force your student to forget about a fun teen life and complete all the other grueling tenth grade stuff that top colleges want: hours and hours of standardized exams, dozens of APs and multiple national honors. Don’t forget about kissing up to teachers and school counselors. Continue involvement in an unusual sport. And for important tournaments, make sure most of your teen’s competitors are on the injured list.

ELEVENTH GRADE – You know the drill: Rural or Urban? Large or Small? Rah Rah or Nerdy? Come up with a dream college list and go on an eight-state bonding tour with your teen, who will rarely want to leave the car. Invest in a storage unit to keep all the brochures about environmental studies programs that arrive in the mail. Teach your child how to send an email without using the salutation, “Hey.” Employ David Sedaris for essay editing. Hire a Summer Activity Specialist to find space in an innovative, yet down-to-earth program that the college admissions people haven’t seen before.

TWELFTH GRADE — Congratulations! Your teen has survived 18 APs, 28 applications, 17 test sittings, 39 supplemental essays, seven awkward alum interviews and nine hours filling out the FAFSA/CSS. The reward? Several acceptances in colleges that are no longer of interest because the tour guides had mullets. If your child is wait-listed, ask the Dalai Lama for an additional letter of recommendation. But at least you can be grateful that at least he or she is IN! Donate the TI-83 Calculator to the homeless, dust off those BB&B coupons and buy a memory foam mattress topper. And before you know it, it will be graduation time, so make sure your child begins filling out those barista applications now.