Important Research Study by Neurotic Parent

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If I were to redo my college experience, I would get an B.A. in Latin American Studies from Amherst, an M.A. in Journalism from Georgetown and a PhD in Bar Mitzvah Video Montage Production from NYU.  But secretly I have always wanted to major in Statistics because, using statistics, you can prove anything. 

With that in mind, I am pleased to share the results of the first research study conducted by the Neurotic Parent Institute, "Effects of a Decent College Education on Happiness and Success."

Percentage of my readers who attended Harvard, Yale or Princeton: 21%

Percentage of above who could get into Harvard, Yale or Princeton today: 2%

Percentage of readers who went on a spring break tour to visit colleges before they matriculated: 1%

Percentage of readers who took an SAT prep course: 4%

Percentage of readers who have used calculus, physics or philosophy in the last 30 years: 8%

Percentage of readers who consider themselves successful because they bought a home in 1993, not because they went to college: 96%

Percentage of readers who consider themselves interesting because they listen to NPR, not because they went to college: 92%

Percentage of readers who attended top colleges, yet waste time reading blogs: 83%

Death by Blogging

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Still considering continuing this blog, but was put off by a front page piece in the NY Times today about sleep-deprived bloggers who are dropping dead right and left.  http://tinyurl.com/5dgw8m


This makes me even more anxious than the usual NY Times cover stories about how children born in 1990 will have to attend Slippery Rock College, even if they have a 4.0, two varsity sports and the lead in the school play.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with SRC; I’ve heard they have a terrific neuroscience program.)  It seems that unless you have a quirky hobby you will not stand a chance at any of the schools we visited.  I must put off my blogging worries until later.  For now I’m off to take my younger son (Brown ’16) to his idederod tournament.

More Questions from Readers

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Q:  How was Spring Awakening? 

A: This is the play to see while on a college tour with your teen.  There is coming-of-age angst.  There is a rock anthem called "You’re Fucked".  And there’s a a naked butt and the closest thing to real intercourse that you’ll ever see on a Broadway stage.  If you can handle viewing this with your child without both of you dying of embarrassment, you’re ready to send him or her off to college. 

Q:  Did you look at any safety schools?

A:  We did visit one safety, now referred to by college counselors as a "likely".  What a relief to be somewhere where you don’t need a 4.5, a 2400 and an Olympic medal to be accepted.  There were some interesting programs for CJ.  And the chatty round-table info session with the charasmatic dean presented a whole new way to approach this sort of trip – visiting schools where you can actually get in. 

Q:  Will you continue this blog until CJ gets his first acceptance letter?

A:  Considering the possibilty, especially if I can get some corporate sponsors. 

Investment Advice

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Back Home.  Sixty-three degrees and sunny.  We have visited twelve schools in nine days, and it feels odd to wake up without having to rush off to an Information Session.  I’m tempted to see if we can pop in to UCLA for an afternoon tour.  It has everything CJ is looking for: fraternities, sports, prestige, plus unlimited possibilities for the Undecided major.  But it’s walking distance from our home, so that’s probably a dealbreaker. 

Despite the notorious wind, I loved Northwestern (although for myself, it would be a tough decision between NU and Georgetown – If I could redo my education/life, I would want to be a war correspondent, and if I attended Georgetown all my friends would be ambassadors who could help me get primo interviews.) 

Our Northwestern tour guide was a smart and funny senior male with multiple passions, and already had a job lined up at NPR.  He planned to work there for a year and then start medical school.  How proud his parents must be.  I hoped CJ would be inspired to follow in this kid’s footsteps, but at this point in our trip, my son was on overload and only noticed that the pathways were lined with flyers promoting "Sex Week".   

So rather than go on about Northwestern, I will use this opportunity to provide some stock tips, which you’ll find helpful if you’re about to spend $250k on your child’s future.

I was a linguistics major, and never took an economics course.  And those who know me are aware that I have made some regrettable financial mistakes.  But I do feel qualified to recommend investing in the following companies, whose presence was ubiquitous on all the campuses we visited:

1. North Face

2. Sbarro (plus every other kind of fast food you find in a suburban food court)

3. Apple

3. Bed, Bath & Beyond (they have the monopoly on the model dorm rooms)

4. J Crew

5. Samsung

6. Chili’s

7. Verizon

8. Anheiser Busch

9. Red Bull

10. Florence Tourist Board (Just about every junior in America spends his or her junior year there, and nobody leaves without hitting the Prada outlet malls.)

A Perfect Book to Read When Touring Colleges

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Hard to believe, but we’re on our way home.  Wish I could say that the time has zipped by, but it feels as if we’ve been gone for at least a semester.  We managed to gain access to the AA Admiral’s Club at O’Hare and the last thirty minutes has been the most restful part of the trip.  For those of you who have asked for me to continue this blog, it looks as if I will have to, because I am too exhausted right now to provide Essay Hints or the Northwestern report.

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Before we get on our flight, wanted to highly recommend the ideal book to read during a college tour: "I am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe, about promiscuity at a fictionalized Duke University. 

Sorry to say I have been so busy driving and blogging that I have only read 26 pages.  But I am really looking forward to the remaining seven hundred.